Regenerative Conversations

Last week I wrote a blog post about my decision to retire from in-person teaching to step into the fear. As of this writing, 29 people have at least clicked on that post. I do not know who my audience was. For all I know, one of my readers could change my destiny for the better or for the worse. I embrace both ends of the spectrum. I wrote the post while getting routine maintenance and an oil change on my car. I had not checked into my workday yet, just like I have not checked in as of this writing. My best clarity seems to come before I enter into the teaching world. I'm sure there's much to unpack there. Anyway, last Friday I had posted this across groups on LinkedIn and Facebook. Then I went into my work email, and the winds changed.

An email became the catalyst for angered frustration and defeat. The actual situation is irrelevant now because I have since been able to talk it through. However, it certainly became another catalyst for change. It wasn't just my interpretation of the situation itself that affected me. What came flooding out was repressed frustration with various details that have been pushing me out of teaching, particularly in person, for years. It is not the point of this post to examine those reasons. The emotions were teaching me, having a conversation with me that I was finally ready to have. 

I responded to the email, and that conversation grew by email, and eventually led to sitting down with the sender. But, in that meantime I needed to carry on with my responsibilities, as worn out as I felt. I allowed myself some resting time before continuing on with my teaching and studying. Monday and Tuesday in person were challenging. While standing in front of my high school students enrolled in a dual enrollment college class, I felt both disconnected and in tune with what was not working. That Tuesday I came home and revamped my course for those two classes. Both classes seemed to enjoy the change. In fact, students who had never even talked with me before checked in with me about their upcoming work. The energy had changed in both classes, and I finally feel closer to how I have always wanted the course to run, as a workshop with me there to facilitate more than anything. 

Two days ago I sat down with the composer of the email. It was a needed conversation. I knew where I stood, but I had not verbalized my frustration to someone at work. I've been burned, but I've also been bored for too long. It's time for a change. Part of our conversation revolved around an administrative job posting at the college. I held class. It went well, but I could feel my fatigue. Still, I powered on. As I drove home, I thought about how I could revise my CV and how to write the cover letter for this application. As I engaged in the related activities, it allowed me to remember that I have been much more than the role I've been playing. I sometimes forget that I actually was an administrator before eleven follow-up years as an adjunct. My cover letter covered everything that makes me who I am - my teaching career, my performance and directing career, and even my involvement with 'Camp' Camp. I submitted my application.

That evening I had a Zoom meeting for one of my doctoral classes, where we are studying regenerative conversations as part of the curriculum. We are to have a conversation with a thought leader. I had not fully understood or accepted that the person should be someone outside our social circle. That next morning I reached out to Scott J. Allen, whose podcast Phronesis: Practical Wisdom for Leaders has become part of my week, when I have the time, admittedly. He has graciously agreed to have the conversation with me for my class project. I'm looking forward to that.

Yesterday I did work for my in-progress courses and even created the syllabus and course shell for an upcoming online course that I released early. After doing that work, I got caught up with the other course I'm in. After doing that I allowed myself to continue to relax and enjoy my horror movies and television shows. It's still early enough in the day for me to check in on work. With six courses (five at a time, with one ending soon and another one starting soon), I check in daily so as to not be overwhelmed on any one day. 

There I will have conversations in replying to emails and responding to speeches and papers. It is what I do - for now at least. But, that's another conversation.